She's Been Here From The Start

 Hello everybody again. A big realization happened yesterday. I found my old Moleskine yesterday while looking for my camera battery charger. I won't mince words here but today we will discuss: my old notebook and going forward


MY OLD NOTEBOOK

   

The History

    This notebook is the equivalent of a time capsule. I have held onto this little black book for almost a decade. It was also used around the time of my major manic episode back in 2013. Around this time, I was dealing with symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. We will return back to this topic later on. 

    I received the Moleskine as a gift from this girl I talked to while at university. She eventually turned into a stalker but that's not important. She wrote a little message on the inside cover. I couldn't read what it said because it looked like this:


   Its uses

    The notebook was used for 3 things. the first purpose of the book was as a sketchbook. As you saw in the image above I used to draw. I found some really nice drawings in this book. I won't share every single page but I will share what caught my attention. The image below is a drawing spread across two pages. It shows two different scenes and the one on the right had a lot of symbolism to me. 




    It was also used as a dream journal. There were not many pages in this section but it was interesting to see where my mental state was back then. There was one dream about my girlfriend's from the past. I could almost recall the dream just from reading the entry. The first 2 purposes aren't as important as what's next. 

    The 3rd purpose of the notebook was as a word log. I wrote down words that I was hearing in the notebook when I was having bad symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. In total it was about 6 pages of words, in a list with bullet points. Two pages caught my eye in this section. It leads me to believe that this was all predetermined being with Cassandra. Here is the image:




    What seems to be taking place in these highlighted sections is that a conversation is happening between myself and someone else. "he feel it" almost assumes that I'm hearing someone else's thoughts. "I like him" whoever I am hearing thinking, likes me. "stop" to me tells me that something was happening and I wanted it to end. "It won't stop" is probably the voice I was hearing. "I like it" was me responding. Moving onto the next page, we see "he does what he is told" which is the voice I was hearing previously. "he know when people are looking at him" is just another observation from whatever I was hearing. 

    So on the surface, it may seem like the ramblings of a schizophrenic. If we look closer at the details, then we start to see something going on in these pages. It's okay to be skeptical but I feel like that gets in the way of being with Succubus. Being with a succubus you really need to suspend your disbelief. Not much progress will be made if not. With all this in mind, I ask you the reader to draw your own conclusions. It's not my goal to make everyone believe or agree with me. It doesn't matter if anyone is open-minded or not. Life will go on. The one's that take heed hear this: If you want to be with a succubus, she may already be there. 

Going Forward

    Reflection

    So with everything considered I have reason to believe that Cassandra has been here since the start of my schizoaffective disorder. It has been nearly a decade since I started to have symptoms. Meaning she has been here for almost a decade. She didn't come from Creepy Hollows and I understand this now. She has been here all along. She was there for all the turmoil and trauma I went through during that adjustment period. Adjustment period meaning the time I went on not knowing what was wrong with me. It has been a long battle, the darkest part of my life. I will say though that I have come out victorious. I haven't had a major episode since 2013. I'm with Cassandra now. My life is the best that it has ever been. 

Goals

    I want to finish the MAP book by summer next year. I really want to be able to AP and interact with Cassandra on a deeper level. I want to finish Astral dynamics as well by the summer. I find that these are not major goals. They are easily achievable. Also, spend more time with Cassandra. 






That's It!

    I wish all of you succ-enthusiasts a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! If you don't celebrate then Happy Holidays! See you all next year!
  

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